i'll try my best but i'm bound to make mistakes..
  • November 2005
    Haribol, All Glories to Sri Guru an Sri Gauranga,

    I'm happy to have a new name, Madhu Priya dd, i was not happy as Mira, yet i'm still very lonely and sad, although i pushed hard to do as much service as i could, it was never really enough, and then i got rheumatism, then my mind took the better of me, and i'm scared. we should be fearless, but i am very frightened of doing bad service.
    having said this, i still preach (subtly) to people that are very materialistic and sometimes abusive, and i think it has been good if someone managed to say Hare Krishna or said that this spiritual knowledge makes sense. i've been told this is wrong, but i can't give it up! i try to make friends with them and then tell them when the time comes a few appropriate things i have learned, some people have taken well to it, others are offensive, but at least not indifferent.
    i feel sad because i got into the Mirabai syndrome and realized it was the wrong approach. i don't feel good enough to serve anymore. and i feel so low about myself, my mind tells me that the real devotees dislike me and are pushing to see how puffed up i really am, but that's a horrible thing to say! they are all my well wishers, and i know that my life has been very sad because i was told i was no good, but now i find its supposed to be this way,
    i miss my first associate, Jaya Dharma dd, who left her body early morning three years ago, it just happened to be the appearance day of Radha Kunda. she was perfect female association. i feel so bad i took her for granted sometimes. i wish she would come back.
    sorry, i feel low today, this is probably who i am always going to be, so please forgive my moaning, and All Glories to the Parampara.
  • November 2005
    Well, I identify with some of the sentiments expressed above, so i thought i'd put my introduction in this thread.

    I have also undergone a name change, but it is not legally changed. I just use the name Joyan now in all my non-professional settings. I would like to legally change it at some time, though it seems like a lengthy and consuming process.

    I came into Vaishnava through friends i met on the island of Hawaii. They allowed me to live with them during a time when I was quite needy. While living with them, they were such an inspiring example to me of a godly lifestyle that I decided to transfer all my religious stock into Vaishnava. I am overall much happier due to the change.

    I try to stick to my own style of worship because i have found that if you get involved with a ceremony or a particular sect, people start telling you what to do and what not to do, and I find that my heart goes against many of the things that i am "told" i "should" be doing. So to practice, I chant and worship in my own way and i have found great peace in this.

    I have been a vegetarian for almost six years. My whole life has improved since I stopped eating meat. Although I will eat free-range eggs when I can get my hands on them. I chant as much as I can, all different chants, and i have a humble altar in my living room where I kneel and give offerings of sweets and fruit whenever I can.

    In response to Madhu Priya, i would just say that i understand how it is to preach to unresponsive people. Many religious sources say that its a sure mistake to preach to people like this, but i understand your desire to, because i share that desire too!

    Also, we should not be afraid of doing bad service, for the Lord is not judgmental of us. The Lord only asks that we do our best, and loves us for simply the way we live our daily lives in service and as a good example to others of a loving nature.

    Vande

    Joyan